The Frumious Bandersnatch by Ed McBain (audio book read by Ron McLarty)

What Ed McBain didn't know about modern pop music is written all over The Frumious Bandersnatch, the 53rd in his ever-popular 87th Precinct series. McBain was obviously not a fan of modern music, but his writing (at least at the beginning) suggests that his research consisted entirely of reading gossip magazines (his description of the music video delves into every modern cliche).

I almost didn't finish the novel for that reason. Then I realized I don't seek out McBain's work for social commentary, but because his work is the best at presenting a realistic look at the daily grind of America's big-city police officers. Luckily, that makes up the majority of The Frumious Bandersnatch.

Carella and company are back when new singing sensation, Tamar Valparaiso, is kidnapped during the launch of her debut CD, Bandersnatch. (The title song, and first single, is simply Lewis Carroll's "Jabberwocky" set to music.) Meanwhile, Ollie Weeks (from the 88th precinct) is given his own subplot once again, this time pursuing his romance with fellow police officer Patricia Gomez (who, to me, seems rather dim, but that could only be the way her dialogue is written).

The Frumious Bandersnatch is a weaker entry in the series (the early, more tightly written books are definitely my favorites), but McBain's easygoing skill with words (and Ron McLarty's reading of the audiobook) makes it enjoyable nevertheless, especially during the actual investigation scenes.

Classic Private Eye Novel Quote of the Day (from My Gun Is Quick by Mickey Spillane)

"When you sit at home comfortably folded up in a chair beside a fire, have you ever thought what goes on outside there? Probably not. You pick up a book and read about things and stuff, getting a vicarious kick from people and events that never happened. You're doing it now, getting ready to fill in a normal life with the details of someone else's experiences. Fun, isn't it? You read about life on the outside thinking about how maybe you'd like it to happen to you, or at least how you'd like to watch it. Even the old Romans did it, spiced their life with action when they sat in the Coliseum and watched wild animals rip a bunch of humans apart, reveling in the sight of blood and terror. They screamed for joy and slapped each other on the back when murderous claws tore into the live flesh of slaves and cheered when the kill was made. Oh, it's great to watch, all right. Life through a keyhole. But day after day goes by and nothing like that ever happens to you so you think that it's all in books and not in reality at all and that's that. Still good reading, though. Tomorrow night you'll find another book, forgetting what was in the last and live some more in your imagination. But remember this: there are things happening out there.... All you have to do is look for them. But I wouldn't if I were you because you won't like what you'll find.... They aren't nice things to see because they show people up for what they are. There isn't a Coliseum any more, but the city is a bigger bowl, and ... if you can kill first, no matter how and no matter who, you can live and return to the comfortable chair and the comfortable fire. But you have to be quick. And able. Or you'll be dead."

— from My Gun Is Quick by Mickey Spillane

Diesel 10 Means Trouble by Britt Allcroft (Thomas and the Magic Railroad)

There is a lot of awful stuff being published in the name of children's entertainment. As the father of a two-year-old, I've read a lot of it (over and over again, usually). But Diesel 10 Means Trouble has to be one of the worst.

Despite having seen several episodes of Thomas and Friends into the dozens of times (I could perform an impromptu one-man show of a couple from the Milkshake Muddle DVD), I've got a soft spot for the little blue engine and his Protestant work ethic (misguided though it may be).

Which leads me to the main reason that Diesel 10 Means Trouble rubbed me the wrong way: it's simply not written like the other books. First off, it's one of the few actually credited to an author: the show's one-time producer, Britt Allcroft.

Whether she's a good producer I can't say, but she's a horrible writer. Where the other books are painstakingly crafted to a certain reading level, Allcroft mixes large and small words with seemingly no thought of the book's audience, or to any sort of narrative flow.

The story of Diesel 10 Means Trouble is utterly ridiculous. Fans of the show will wonder where such characters as Mr. Conductor and Lady the Golden Engine came from, and what the devil "magic gold dust" has to do with it all.

(Some parents have expressed disappointment at Diesel 10's negative qualities, but I think that's silly. First of all, he's the best part of the book — I love a good villain, and I really enjoy reading his part aloud. And second, how are kids supposed to learn to tell "right" from "wrong" if they're not exposed to "wrong" once in a while.)

But possibly all the explanation that is needed is that this book was adapted from the movie Thomas and the Magic Railroad, the attempt at a feature film that was produced, written, and directed by Allcroft. Purists can't stand it, and its failure at the box office directly led to Allcroft's resignation from HIT Entertainment.

I mean, come on, anything that stinks that bad shouldn't be allowed indoors, right? My recommendation is to avoid it, even if it is given to you as a gift. Then again, your mileage may vary, and, of course, if your kid loves it (like mine does), you're simply out of luck. Whatever the case, Diesel 10 definitely means trouble.

Mafia Hit Man Novel Quote of the Day (from The Winter of Frankie Machine by Don Winslow)

"Why can't you be with your wife the way you are with your girlfriends?"

"Different breed, my friend," Sherm said, "different species entirely."

"Maybe we should marry the girlfriends."

"I tried it ... twice.... They turn into wives. It starts to happen when they're planning the wedding, this metamorphosis from sex kitten to house cat."

— from The Winter of Frankie Machine by Don Winslow

Eastern Promises directed by David Cronenberg (starring Viggo Mortensen, Naomi Watts, Armin Mueller-Stahl, Vincent Cassel)

Eastern Promises (2007). Screenplay by Stephen Knight.

The plot of Eastern Promises isn't as important as its characters. Sure, a London midwife (Naomi Watts) finds the Russian-language diary of a teenage mother who died in childbirth — hoping she can get it translated so she can the surviving family of the baby (who lived). And, yes, this search leads her to the door of Semyon (Armin Mueller-Stahl), restaurant owner and head of the Russian mob, and his loose cannon son, Kirill (Vincent Cassel).

But the real chemistry comes from star Viggo Mortensen, who plays their driver, Nikolai, as he tries to warn her off the search, since she is getting into dangerous territory. And Mortensen is the true star of Eastern Promises since it is really his story, and Nikolai's relationship with Kirill the center of the film. Mortensen delivers a riveting (and Oscar®-nominated) performance that kept me involved throughout the film, but after it was over, I had a conflicted response.

The acting, especially from Mortensen and Mueller-Stahl (who I'll watch in anything), was terrific (though Watts, as the film's moral center, is given nothing to play), but the storyline just left me cold. It seems as if Eastern Promises was designed purely as a vehicle for Mortensen (ostensibly as a follow-up to his previous pairing with director Cronenberg: the highly successful A History of Violence), but with little thought given to an actual, interesting narrative. The "plot twist," such as it was, felt arbitrary and merely muddies up an already confused film.

(Nice work on the first death, though. That got my attention.)

Hard Case Crime Quote of the Day (from Lucky at Cards by Lawrence Block)

"They say every man has a weakness. They say that for every man there's a woman somewhere in the world who can make him jump through fiery hoops just by snapping her fingers. They say a man's lucky if he never meets that woman."

— from Lucky at Cards by Lawrence Block
(reprinted by Hard Case Crime)